Coming up to a year in Germany. How crazy is that?!
We have been through one deployment and when A got back he got sent away again on a 3 month course. I only last two weeks. This separation sent me into what I can only describe as a very very deep black hole which after 2 months, I finally feel like I’m gradually getting out of.
Honestly I just wanted to feel like a normal family for longer than the 3 weeks he was home. I was sick of doing everything myself, which is a little brattish but I was seriously considering just upping and leaving. Not just my husband but leaving everyone and everything. Ghosting it. I couldn’t cope with the simple things like having a shower. How rats is that?! The ONLY reason I got up in the morning is because of P. She’s my saving grace.
As much as sometimes I hate being a parent. I hate the routine. I hate the tantrums. I hate not having freedom, I can’t even use the bathroom without her banging on the door demanding to know what I’m doing. I wouldn’t and couldn’t change anything for the world. She saved me. She saves me every day, from the moment she wakes up and absolutely belts out “MUMMM! GET UP!” I’m needed and even though I’m in a hole, that’s all I have to remember when I feel like I can’t get through another day.
Also my husband came home literally straight away. I told him how I felt and he dropped himself off this course and was home within 48 hours. I will never be able to show him how grateful I am for him turning up when I needed him.
On another ultra depressing note I have gained nearly a stone in weight. Fuck my life. So basically I’m back on here in an attempt to keep myself on track and accountable for my actions. Like a diary of how well I’m doing.. Motivational. Hopefully.